Gay for the stay
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I never asked if that was how she identified all the time, or what pronouns would have been the right ones. Unlike in the outside world, where shame prevents some people from expressing their desires, within the confines of our cells, we had few restraints. With many prisoners sharing cells, or at the very least forced to share personal space with complete strangers, it didn’t take long before I gave over to the advances of the first man who showed me any kind of affection.
I wanted to be needed. The officer would usually be “invited” to hand in their keys and leave the job, while the prisoners would often find themselves transferred to another prison where they may be segregated in the prisons punishment block.
Prison-guards aside, sadly many gay relationships that I was aware of in prisons were abusive.
Though I’ve been openly gay for a very long time now, each year during my PREA hearing I identify myself as heterosexual.
PREA sorts people into three categories: “predator,” “victim” and “neutral.” Someone who is heterosexual—on paper, at least—gets to be “neutral.” Whereas someone whose paperwork shows them to be anything other than heterosexual is much more likely to be classified as “victim,” even if they’ve never been assaulted.
Compared to heterosexual prisoners, LGBTQ+ folks are many times more likely to be assaulted—not just by other prisoners, but also by staff.
Younger, clean-shaven men are scouted right as they step off the chain bus, by shot-callers who call dibs on them like livestock. Often I’d be thinking about coming out of the closet, only to have something like that send me right back in. In real life they might be friends who would be perfectly safe living with each other, and probably safer living with any random LGBTQ+ “victim” or “predator” than any of the random heterosexuals they have to be assigned with instead.
Image via New York Department of Corrections and Community Supervision
Within days of being placed in the British male prison system in the 90s, I realised they were havens for debauchery and buggery.
Of course, we were not living in a Mills and Boon world, where romance often preceded sexual indulgence. Sometimes we are forced to move to another unit as a consequence.
And when the correctional staff learns that two women are in a relationship, one of the women might be moved to another unit or building to separate them.
It doesn’t matter how they actually identify. A few said they did it simply to adapt to the environment because it was one way to fit in.
I believe women in prison enter relationships because they are trying to fill a void within themselves. Around 1999 I was walking to chow when someone ran up to the guy in front of me and stabbed him in the neck.
We go out on dates in the yard and come back to shower.
Just for the record, it is prohibited to engage in a sexual relationship while incarcerated. Others could be found on “protection wings”, which is where I was forced to live because transphobic attacks are common within male prisons and prison officers can never guarantee the safety of any prisoner.
How can someone pretend to be something they have never been, be intimate and not develop feelings? I just knew that was never going to be me.
Countless times I was approached by women who were interested in me, but I always turned down their advances. Reflecting back, maybe I should be ashamed of the lifestyle I led, but I can’t be.
There were plenty of times men would pay me copious amounts of drugs to tie them up and humiliate them. It turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve made in a long time.
I had been raised to believe that only a man could love, provide for and protect a woman, but the man I had married provided none of these things, and I divorced him.
Whether getting spit-roasted, or fellating multiple men, the only limits were our imaginations. The joke about the soap on a rope to avoid being touched up by other men? That is a lot to lose for a few minutes of pleasure.
Despite this, sexual relationships between staff and prisoners are not uncommon.