Ugly gay dude
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People who truly respect you (including yourself) will not crudely criticize you.
For example, rather than saying, No one will ever find me attractive, you could reframe it as, Attractiveness is subjective, and I have other qualities that make me appealing.
Instead of wasting energy wishing you looked different, shift your focus toward what you can control.
- Finding Other Forms of Social Currency
If physical attractiveness is one form of social currency, what are some others?
- Charisma and Humor: Being socially engaging and funny can make you magnetic, even if you aren’t traditionally handsome.
- Confidence and Self-Respect: People are drawn to those who carry themselves with assurance, regardless of their looks.
- Kindness and Generosity: People appreciate those who make them feel valued; there is a saying, “people will forget what you do, but they don’t tend to forget how you made them feel.”
- Intelligence and Knowledge: Being interesting and insightful gives people a reason to engage with you.
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The texture and density of your hair? Your body type?
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It is well known that there can be awkwardness, self-consciousness, competition, judgment, and hierarchy in gay men’s cultural settings about appearance, before consideration of any other personal trait.
Your skin tone? You do not need to conform to societal standards in any culture to be attractive to others, and many people find sexual partners or romantic partners, form a relationship, have casual sex, or maintain both male friends and female friends regardless of physical attractiveness.
What to do when you feel unattractive as a man?
If you tend to feel ugly, you may first examine the reason underlying this belief.
Why yes, we do. They even get lesser sentences for the same crimes as others. And despite this being incredibly awkward to even think about, write about, or discuss, those of us who know, know that this is a “thing”: IYKYK (“if you know, you know”).
This isn’t about self-deprecation or a negative self-image driven by insecurity, or the realities of the hit our self-esteem takes as gay men growing up in a generally heterosexist or homophobic world; t’s about facing reality in an honest and pragmatic way. If you’ve ever thought, I know I’m ugly, or have received feedback that confirms it (such as rude, anonymous, unsolicited comments on social media posts), the question becomes: How do you deal with this knowledge in a way that allows you to live a fulfilling life?
Let’s break it down, without the usual platitudes of, Oh, you’re just fine the way you are!
- Accepting the Truth Without Self-Punishment
There is an important difference between accepting a reality and hating oneself for it. Recognizing that you are not conventionally attractive does not mean that you are unworthy, unlovable, or that you have no social value.
You can also focus on maintaining a healthy lifestyle to improve confidence and well-being. For example, if you have a body or physical and facial features that you think make you ugly, learn to accept them by using skills like radical acceptance, learning to hear and understand different perspectives, or talking to a therapist about where this belief stemmed from.
If you constantly think, I’m ugly, so no one will ever respect or love me, CBT helps you examine the evidence and replace that thought with something more constructive.
- Step 1: Identify automatic negative thoughts, especially ones that begin with “I” or “everyone” or “always” or “never”.
- Step 2: Question the accuracy, context, and endurance of the negative statement.
For more information on therapy or coaching services or to make an appointment, call/text 310-339-5778 or email Ken@GayTherapyLA.com or Ken@GayCoachingLA.com. Or guys who seem to have a line of guys waiting to talk to them at bars or parties. The color of your eyes?